written by C.W. Kalb, Jr., and Lonnie Carneal
INTRO: C F
I got a letter from the IRS
Inviting me to be their guest
At an audit they were conducting just for me
They said no need to worry, probably nothing wrong
Just bring your wife and your children along
We just need to clear up a small technicality
Now the only problem with an audit is
My wife Juanita and our 14 kids
Friends you cannot believe the refunds they have been worth
But it was years ago that I got this idea
When I bought Juanita thru the mail from Korea
She’s an inflatable doll, but she came with a certificate of birth
I was a single guy without any deductions
So I claimed Juanita and what a reduction
I received with her as my spouse on the taxes I pay
That worked so well that every year after that
I reported a birth when I paid my tax
Each kid certified by Cabbage Patch USA
CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My inflatable senorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away (away-ay-ay-ay)
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Burt
Farrah, Charro, Michael and Kurt
Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara and little Ray (little Ray)
So I dressed Juanita like the perfect mother
Velcro’d the children to one another
And when we walked into that audit those people nearly flipped their lids
I said Juanita might lay around and never cook
And the children don’t clean their rooms and never crack a book
But hey they ain’t no different from my brother’s wife and kids
And I got social security cards here for every one
My wife, my daughters and all of my sons
All offically issued by the government of the USA
So before you call me down to muster
Somebody here better think twice buster
Do you really wanna be the one to accuse the government of making a big mistake
CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My C-oh-2 senorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away (away-ay-ay-ay)
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Burt
Farrah, Charro, Michael and Kurt
Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara and little Ray (little Ray)
BRIDGE:
That agent sat there his mouth agape
Thinking over that government mistake
And how his civil service career could be at its end
And then he reached for his stamp that said approved
And said hope the kids do better next year and school
And why don’t you and the missus drop by and say hello now and then
CHORUS:
Oh Juanita (Juanita)
My inflatable senorita
Looks like you and the kids all get to stay (stay-ay-ay-ay)
What’s that honey, you need to get home quick?
You say you started feelin’ a little sick?
And you think you might once again be in a family way?
What’s that? You think it might be triplets this time?
Juanita, you are a wonder!
Do what? Why, of course we can support your mother!
I even think her moving expenses are deductible too.
Does she still live in Bangkok? [F/]
