You could
hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the rattle of the wheels as they went ’round and ’round.
And he
galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was
Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the
west.
Now
Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived
all alone in Lily Lane at number 22.
They
said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But
Ernie had his cocoa there three times every
week.
They called him
Ernie, (
Ernie),
And he
drove the fastest
milk cart in the
west.
She
said she’d like to bathe in milk, he said, “All right, sweetheart,”
And
when he’d finished work that night he loaded up the cart.
He
said, “D’you want it pasteurized? ‘Cause pasteurized is best,”
She says, “
Ernie, I’ll be happy if it comes up to my
chest.”
That tickled old
Ernie, (
Ernie),
And he
drove the fastest
milk cart in the
west.
(Head ’em up! All right!)
Now
Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called
Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker’s van.
He
tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she
seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her
head.
He
went on the make with his Dundee cake and he said, “If you treat me right,
You’ll have
hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night.”
He
knew once she’d seen his macaroons he’d have his wicked way,
And all
Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a
day.
Poor
Ernie, (
Ernie),
And he
drove the fastest
milk cart in the
west.
One
lunch time Ted saw Ernie’s horse and cart outside her door,
It
drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four.
And as he
leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he
went across to Ernie’s cart and didn’t half kick his
’orse.
Whose name was
Trigger, (
Trigger),
And he
pulled the fastest
milk cart in the
west.
Now
Ernie ran out into the street with his gold top in his hand,
He
said, “If you wanna marry Susie you’ll fight for her like a man.”
“Oh
why don’t we play cards for her?” he sneeringly replied,
“And
just to make it interesting we’ll have a shilling on the
side.”
Now
Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They
stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But
Ernie was too quick for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a
strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his
hand.
Now
Sue, she came between them and she tried to keep them apart,
And a
three-day-old rock cake caught Ernie underneath the heart.
As he
doubled up in agony, the concrete hardened crust
Of a
stale meat pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the
dust.
Poor
Ernie, (
Ernie),
And he
drove the fastest
milk cart in the
west.
Ernie was only 68, he didn’t wanna die,
Now he’s
gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the
customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And a
milkman’s life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy
land.
But a
woman’s needs are many fold and Sue, she married Ted,
But
strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was
that the rustle of the leaves? Or the creaking of the gate?
Or
Ernie’s ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their
crate?
They won’t forget
Ernie, (
Ernie),
And he
drove the fastest
milk cart in the
west.
